Of Assassins and Catwalks
by Musiqua
Summary: In which Itachi and Deidara must disguise themselves as 'Chichi' the Model and 'Dara' the Designer to take part in a fashion show. Why? To assassinate their victim. Humiliation, crazy fangirls, and the death of Itachi's dignity ensues---Sorry On Hiatus
1. Day 0:Experimental Misson Fun

**_The Infiltration_**

_Experimental Mission Fun  
_

_By Musique-Admirer  
_

_---  
_

Part I

Day Zero

* * *

"This meeting shall commence." The Boss proclaimed, slamming down a judge's hammer used in law courts for further emphasis.

The members of the feared Akatsuki, an organisation of assassins, sat around a round table. It was rather ironic since they were probably at the end of the nobility scale (seeing as they were assassins), unlike the Knights of the Round Table.

"...but didn't we already finish the briefing, un?" a certain distracted blond Akatsuki member interrupted.

"No, that was a conclusion report of the last mission." The Boss corrected with distaste, "Now when I say it will commence, it WILL commence! Capiche?"

Deidara's oversized fringe rapidly bobbed with his head's movement.

"Now, as I was saying before I was oh-so-rudely interrupted," the Boss carried on while shooting a glare at the art enthusiast, "I would like two volunteers for the next assassination mission. An _experimental mission_…"

Around the room, the Akatsuki members groaned in unison. The mission types ranged from stealth mode to terrorist demonstrations. However, every three months, there was the 'Experimental Missions'. These were designed specially to entertain the Boss. The past experimental missions had all been very amusing to all but the assigned members.

"Now, who would like to volunteer?" The Boss looked around the table and was met with a lack of raised hands.

"Well then. Seeing as you all are rather unenthusiastic, I'll choose the two lucky members who will happily volunteer."  
.

Faster than the blink of an eye, all the Akatsuki members assumed a technique well mastered.

It was called 'avoid eye contact'.  
.

"Hmm...Ah! I think… Deidara would be glad to be a volunteer....**un**?" the Boss mockingly prompted.

Deidara groaned, and stopped focusing his attention on the previously interesting looking splotch on the wall. It looked a bit like dried blood…

"Hai. I _gladly_ accept."

"Now, who would like to accompany Deidara as the second volunteer?"

Again, he was met with faces that all seemed to be concentrated on a random object in the room.

"Itachi seems keen on this mission, don't you?"

.

It seemed more like a rhetorical question in Itachi's point of view.

.

"Hn." He replied nonplussed.

"Now, Itachi and Deidara, you have exactly one hour to formulate a plan." The Boss threatened, "And you'd better make it _interesting_."

***

"So…the Spring Fling Annual Catwalk… what fun, un." Deidara cried out in a faux enthusiastic manner.

"Agreed." Itachi replied evenly.

"Have you got a plan of action, un?"

"Hn…"

Itachi seemed to be deep in thought. The other Akatsuki members had catagorised Itachi's "hn"s. This one, according to Deidara, was a spaced out hn.

"Un, what about we place clay decorations all around the room and when the guest judge is present it all goes BOOM!"

"A wonderful idea…" Itachi replied, deadpanned.

"Really?" Deidara's eyes lit up.

"…if you ignore the fact that we would kill not only our target, but also approximately 20 designers and their corresponding models, 10 judges… and 200 people in the audience."

"Uh…kinda forgot about that small detail…you have a better idea, un?"

"I was thinking more along the lines of: you can be a model, I'll be the designer.

We approach the target and have a little chitchat. You distract him and I'll drop a pill in his champagne. It explodes inside of him and he dies from internal bleeding."

"That sounds neat, un. But I don't want to be the model, un!"

"It's final, you'll be the model, and I'll be the stylist."

"But the model just struts down the catwalk looking pretty and the stylist gets to do all the arty stuff, un!"

"Whatever. Let's just present our plan to the Boss."

***

"I approve of your plan. But it seems as though you can't settle who will play what role." The Boss stated.

"Yeah! I don't wanna be the model, un!" Deidara cried out.

"Then let's settle it here. You two say a speech on why the other assassin should be the model, and the other Akatsuki members vote."

Deidara seemed glad that he would get a chance, no matter how slim it was. It was clear he wasn't the best at speeches with all his "un"s.

Itachi smirked. This was going to be easy. He could be very persuading in speeches if he wanted to. He did get full marks in his English exams in school before he joined the assassination organisation.

"We'll start with Itachi."

---

**Round 1: Persuasion the Itachi style**

"It seems rather evident that Deidara should be the model. It is a logical decision because I came up with the plan, which entitles me to decide our roles in this mission…" The Uchiha started with a strong argument, with an underlying threatening tone.

"…Therefore, I expect you all to vote Deidara as the model. No questions."

He ended rather bluntly, albeit forcefully.

The room was silent, which was understandable. Nobody wanted to get in the Uchiha's bad books. Nor receive a full dose of his glare.

---

**Round 1: Persuasion the Deidara style**

"Deidara, you're up."

Deidara started his speech with a sigh of defeat. This was not a great way to start a persuasive speech, mind you.

"Um…"

(A note to all, unless you are trying to say the word 'umbrella', it would be advisable not to begin speaking with a non-existent word.)

"Well…"

(It is also important to stick to the topic. Unlike Deidara here who seems to veer off into the idea of digging a well.)

"Itachi made a great speech…"

(Never give the opposition bonus points. Never.)

"But all I want you to think about is…would you rather see me or Itachi hit the catwalk?"

(Ah…finally, Deidara has scored some points. Not only did he strike a point that the audience would appeal to, but he also made into a rhetorical question. Although I highly doubt if he knows what that is.)

Deidara shuffled back to his seat.

---

"So, who votes for Itachi to be the model?" The Leader asked.

It was a unanimous vote.

Who wouldn't want to see Itachi strut away his dignity in a fashion show?

The Uchiha's reaction? A low threatening growl, accompanied by a glare that seemed to scorch Deidara's shiny hair into some pathetic strands and singed ash.

Oh, if only looks could kill, if only if only…

**Round 1:**

**Deidara: Itachi=100:0**

***

_Briefing_

_From: The Boss  
_

_To Agents: _'_Sharingan' and 'Terracotta"_

_Outline:_

_Agents S and T will infiltrate the Spring Fling Annual Catwalk Show, SFACS for short, and remove the target._

_The target: _

_The client company wishes the Guest Judge to be eliminated, as he is a threat to them. He is the major sponsor of this year's SFACS. The target owns the infamous tyrant company 'G-Rex'. _

_This company has been known to buy little unsuccessful industries that are about to die in the market for a ridiculously low price. _

_However, these unfortunate businesses are desperate enough to regain the little amount of cash as opposed to closing down with a large debt._

_They then upgrade the bought out company, give it a new packaging, and sell it to the market at a high price._

_Surprisingly, G-Rex has been determined to buy out the client's company. This is strange because the client is extremely successful and wealthy. We know that personally, seeing as they are our organisation's largest sponsor. _

_G-Rex has now resorted to threats and attempts to blackmail. The cause for this is most likely the target's personal dislike towards the client. Research shows that they graduated as arch rivals._

_Recently, there has been a murder attempt on the client himself, by an assassin hired by G-Rex._

_Our client now wishes for our target to be eliminated. It is a kill or be killed situation. _

_Mission Type:_

_Experimental_

_Notes:_

_Have fun in the next two days~  
_

_This document will self destruct in 10 seconds…_

_

* * *

_

**Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed reading that as much as I enjoyed writing about Itachi's demise. **

**Reader's of my other stories may realise that this is a very different style and genre to how I usually write. I like to write in different tones just for experimentation...or maybe I'm more bipolar than I think I already am!**

**Okay, enough random chitchat. Please review if you liked it~  
**


	2. Day I: Itachi and the pickle

_**The Infiltration**_

_Itachi and the pickle_

_By Musique-Admirer_

_---_

Part II

Day One

* * *

"Tell me why we are standing in the middle of some expensive boutique for men?" Itachi questioned Deidara's moves.

"Because we need to acquire a fashionable and expensive taste for clothing, un!" Deidara replied enthusiastically.

"You seriously think that you are going to design a spring outfit to compete in this Spring Fling?"

"Yah, what else can we do, un?"

"Don't let the prospect of designing and creating art sway you. We are _**assassins**_. We scheme. We kill. We get the cash. Comprehende?"

"Un...then what do we do Mister I'm-so-smart-that-I'm-gonna-be-a-model?"

"Hn..." Itachi glared at him, obviously sensitive about the model situation.

"We do what assassins do. Kidnap and get a designer and their model out of the way. Steal their design and pose as them. Simple."

"So I guess we don't need to stand here any longer, un?"

"Hn." Itachi briskly walked out of the posh boutique.

Deidara classified that 'hn' as the 'what-do-you-think-airhead?' hn. It was rather insulting.

"Hey wannabe-model! Don't go off to somewhere stupid like McDonalds and ditch me, un!"

"...Firstly, I wouldn't give a second thought about 'ditching you', and secondly..." Itachi replied in all seriousness, over the back of his shoulder, "Don't. Diss. McDonalds."

***

"So when do we hit this fashion show, un?" Deidara asked Itachi while they lined up in a fast-food queue. It was McDonalds of course.

The young cashier looked at the two men with amusement. The two men were going to go to a fashion show? The blond one looked likely. But no matter how far the cashier could stretch his imagination, the stoic, dark-haired man couldn't possibly be the type to go.

"Tomorrow. We kidnap today." Itachi answered Deidara, oblivious that they had reached the counter.

The cashier paled significantly. **Kidnap**?

"Er...sirs, did you just mention kidnapping?"

The two Akatsuki members quickly snapped their attention to the quivering cashier.

"Yeah. We're kid--"Deidara started.

"Napping today. We're babysitters who look after kids and--" Itachi carried on.

"Teach them how to nap--" Deidara joined on.

"So they don't whine profusely. Got a problem with our occupations?" Itachi ended, glaring at the cashier, daring him to argue with his perfect logic.

"N-no! Not at all sir!"

"Now be a good boy and take our orders." Itachi demanded.

***

A few minutes later, the two partners in crime arrived at the building with a large read "The Department of Fashion". They entered, dumping their McDonald's wrappers in rather elaborately designed waste bins.

"Sorry, the department is busy at the mome--" a receptionist wearing a low cut shirt started until she looked up to meet the faces of two handsome men.

"Hey there Handsome and Hot! What can I do to help?" the receptionist was on full flirt mode, batting her thick mascara covered eyelashes at them.

Deidara twitched at her 180 degree change in attitude. Itachi groaned inwardly. Not. Another. Fangirl... However, both men had a lot of experience a manipulating these types of situations to their advantages. Probably too many times.

"Yes, we understand that the designers and models for the SFACS event are staying in apartments provided by department of fashion." Itachi started, staring intensely into the melting receptionist's eyes.

"We would like to go to the apartment block to interview the stylists and models. We are reporters, un." Deidara carried on flashing a smile. "And we might mention a beautiful and charming receptionist who helped us."

The receptionist gushed over their attention.

"Of course! Like, I would totally loooove to help!" she immediately agreed, blushing excessively. "Just let me check which block they are staying in! It won't, like, take more than a second!"

Deidara looked at Itachi. They both smirked. It was always easy to get what they want when dealing with these air-headed fangi-...types of people.

She excessively bent down to look at the computer screen. (This action was not necessary, mind you. Normal people sit down to use a computer.) It was obvious that she wanted to flash the two men. However, she only achieved in flashing an evidently over-padded bra.

This produced the opposite effect.

"You poor darlings! Are you, like, okay?" she asked a violently coughing Deidara and strangely shivering Itachi. It was, after all, a warm lobby. She ran over to Deidara and patted his back for longer than she needed to. Unseen by her, Deidara made a disgusted look and stuck out his tongue.

"You poor, poor thing! Did you, like, choke on something?" she asked worriedly.

Deidara wanted to answer with "You think? Yeah, I just conveniently choked on air, un!" But no, he had to play the role of a suave gentleman... He just gasped for air and continued coughing.

"Oh! You definitely need help!" the receptionist carried on.

Deidara was emitting a huge killing aura and wanted to blow her up. This urge was very inviting when he felt her enclose him, wrapping her arms around his waist. Apparently, she was attempting to perform the Heimlich Manoeuvre on him.

"I'm fine! I really am fine, un!" he cried out, all symptoms of coughing gone.

The receptionist looked more disappointed than relieved, seeing as she had to release Deidara from her deathly hug. The blond looked over at the other Akatsuki member, who was not even attempting to hide his evident smirk.

That is, until a horrified expression crossed his usually stoic face for a second.

The cause of this? The enthusiastic, eager-to-please receptionist had turned her attention to him.

"Are you okay? You are, like, shivering in this warm room!" she said, walking up to his stiff figure, "Do you want me to warm you up?"

***

"Well, that was torture, un." Deidara said solemnly to Itachi. The Uchiha prodigy only nodded his head, a dark eye twitching with obvious discomfit. After guiding them to the apartment rooms, persuading her to leave was harder than it seemed.

It was almost as hard as of asking Itachi to smile.

They knocked on the door of the selected target.

"Huh? Whose there?" A bleary eyed man with unusual flamingo-pink coloured hair opened the door, looking like he had just woken up.

'Oh the hair! The monstrosity!' Deidara thought.

'Definitely a designer. Check.' Itachi deliberated.

"Good afternoon sir, we are here to interview you on your coming debut in the SFACS." Deidara smiled enthusiastically.

"Urgh. Sure. Come in."

"So, your model resides next door?"

"Yeah. Why'd you need to know?"

Itachi smirked evilly. The designer's half-lidded eyes widened immensely.

_FWUMPH_Itachi pressed two points on his neck and he immediately fell like a rag doll.

"That's convenient." Deidara commented offhandedly.

***

After injecting the unconscious man with a sleeping drug, which would knock him out for over a day, they 'took care' of the model next door. However, Itachi realised a dire mistake, an unforgivable miscalculation, an erroneous move they had made, with horror.

They forgot to select a target with a male model. For the unconscious model was a female. And Itachi was, if you hadn't noticed, not a female.

"Well we're in a bit of a pickle now, aren't we, un?"

The temperature suddenly dropped drastically.

* * *

**Author's Note:**** Hope you enjoyed that~**

**Unfortunately, I'm rather discouraged by the number of reviews...**

**So review, pretty please? Cherries on top? *deadly puppy-eye glare***


	3. Day 2: Sweet Bishies

_**The Infiltration**_

_Sweet Bishies  
_

_By Musiqua (changed name)  
_

_---_

Part III

Day Two

---

**TIP: View stories in 3/4 format. It's more pleasing to the eye =]**

* * *

Itachi scrutinized the Japanese Teen magazine; the edges of his mouth were adamantly turned down.

"So, what do you think, Miss-Model?" Deidara teased.

Itachi growled in reply.

"I think this could solve our little dilemma." Deidara then pointed at an innocent and ridiculous dress lying on the bed.

They were sitting in Deidara's room, and had successfully stolen--_conveniently borrowed_-- the SFACS passes which had belonged to the original designer and model. Said people were now safely sleeping in the Akatsuki's Hostage Room.

On Deidara's fluffy cloud blankets was an elaborate, black, Victorian styled dress, complete with little bows and lace. Along with it came a bonnet, a parasol, long velvet laced gloves, fishnet tights, and gothic pumps.

Upon looking at the monstrosity, Itachi's face warped once more.

"It's not too bad, yeah." Deidara continued. "Whatever this 'Bishie' thing is in Japan, it's pretty popular…"

"I repeat. I. Am. NOT. Going. To. Be. A. 'Bishounen'." Itachi grounded his teeth.

"Face it. It's the only way…unless you have a sudden sex change in the next hour."

"Hn."

"Bishounen are just 'beautiful boys'. At least it's not like you're going to be a transvestite…or a drag queen." Deidara explained, shuddering at his last words.

"…fine. But we're scrapping the heels. "

They gazed upon the horror on the bed.

"…Want to take it for a spin?" Deidara broke the tense atmosphere hesitantly, with a tone not unlike that of suggesting driving a car without brakes. Ouch.

Itachi could only massage his temples.

***

"So firstly, we need to you to be shaved, un." Deidara declared.

"What do you mean?" Itachi reached for his clean-shaven jaw.

"Err…arms…and legs."

"That is not necessary; I'm wearing tights and gloves."

"Firstly, the tights are tinted, not opaque. Secondly, those gloves are made of sheer lace."

"…"

"So, arms or legs first?"

"…"

Come one, Bishie-chan. Choose one."

"…!"

"Or would you prefer waxing?"

"Legs." Itachi replied all too quickly.

"I knew we would come to an agreement." Deidara beamed with a creepy smile.

Deidara was not exactly a beautician, nor had he shaved legs before. However, there was a first time for everything.

Itachi only grimaced as he watched his masculine pride fall to the bathroom ground in clumps.

"Next are the arms! I'm getting good at this, un!" Deidara chirped, only to be met by an icy glare from the emotionally wounded Uchiha.

Itachi felt like he had just lost a part of him within 30 seconds flat.

***

As the two strode into the backstage dressing rooms, they were met with the calculating stares of the other designers and models of the fashion show. Deidara gulped, and Itachi glared back intensely.

"It seems as though this is not just a show…" Deidara whispered to Itachi.

"Did you not know that it is a competition between the entrants?" Itachi replied evenly, rolling his eyes at Deidara's naivety.

Deidara shivered as he met predatory glares from the other designers, who surrounded them like vultures.

"So what is your design concept?" A calculating designer questioned.

"Um…uh…beautiful...boys…"Deidara said the first thing that came to mind, as he looked at Itachi.

A vicious tic formed under the Uchiha's left eye.

The other designers raised their eyebrows and left.

"What? Did I say the wrong thing?" Deidara panicked as he looked around for Itachi, who had also left him.

Alone. All alone. Out of nowhere, a tumbleweed bounced past Deidara.

***

Just as Deidara wondered where Itachi had went, loud squeals were heard from a group of female models.

Curious, Deidara found the ear-piercing, overwhelming mob of perpetrators. As he peered closer, to his amusement, he found his darling model standing stiffly in the centre.

"Oh My GOSH! A BISHIEEEEEE!!!!!!!"

"MARRY ME! YOU'RE SO CUTEEEEE!!!!!!!!"  
"Kawaiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Prettyful pretty boy!"

Deidara stifled a snort of laughter as he saw a horrified expression flit past his partner in crime's usually stoic face for a brief second.

The Uchiha was used to being a lady-killer, however, the words 'cute' and 'Itachi' was highly disturbing combination.

'Handsome, gorgeous, breath-taking and hot" were all words he could understand. But 'cute' and 'pretty' he could not. Not even with his high tolerance of torture. This was certainly pushing his limits.

***

As the music and lights came on, Deidara could see the murmur of the immense crowd die down. Bright beams of spotlights roamed the catwalk, and the host of the Spring Fling walked on.

"Good evening to you all, Ladies and Gentlemen. And welcome to the Spring Fling Annual Catwalk!"

Immediately, fireworks were set off, dazzling the audience who erupted into screams again.

_Overkill much?_ Deidara thought as he looked at the fireworks.

"Tonight, we will see our top fashion designers battle all out with this years most outrageous clothing!"

_Hm. 'Outrageous' could be an understatement. _Deidara chuckled.

.

The music came boomed as the first model came on, strutting in what seemed to be a piece of thread. In Deidara's point of view of course.

"This is the first piece in Misotaki's brilliantly simple 'One String' collection!" The host introduced.

.

The second model came out in a pink metallic dress, with a pink metallic hat, pink metallic shoes, and pink metallic accessories. Heck, even her eyeshadow was pink and metallic. She very much resembled a ripe strawberry.

"Mr. Pink's blushing collection 'PINK'! Because pink is the new black!"

Deidara promptly twitched and spasmodically tried to scratch of his pink nail polish.

.

The third model was a male. Deidara breathed out a sigh of relief…which then turned into a full blown gag-cough dilemma as he saw what the model was showcasing.

A bright, lime green, lycra, jumpsuit.

"Maito Gai once again stuns us with his bright and loud fashion statements! The first piece in his 'jumpsuits of youth' collection!"

.

Deidara blanched. He decided he had enough with watching the ludicrous show, and retreated to find his partner in crime.

Itachi was a picture of serenity~

But Deidara knew better than that. They do say that it is calm before a storm. In Itachi's case, a full-blown, tornado-hurricane hybrid.

"Itachi. I forgot to tell you. Our codenames are Deidei and Chichi..."

Red eyes flashed open with murder intent, as Deidara flinched and backed away.

"CHICHI-CHAN! YOU'RE UP!!!" a blushing organiser cooed. Shuddering, Itachi took faltering steps towards the dreaded stage. Deidara regained his wits, and followed Itachi, calling out cheekily:

"It's okay Chichi-chan. You can do it! I believe in y-"

A hand immediately shot out and secured itself around Deidara's pale neck, intent on performing** 'accidental' asphyxiation**.

.

Music suddenly came on, saving Deidara from premature death, and signalling the start of Itachi's catwalk…and impending doom.

.

* * *

**Author Notes:**

** RIP to Itachi's manliness and male pride**


End file.
